


Memoirs of an Inu no akuma

by Petri808



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings, Human, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 15:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11649603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petri808/pseuds/Petri808
Summary: Feelings brewing between two young people from different worlds...  these will be more like thoughts or journal entries of Inuyasha and Kagome and others as they travel togetherIf you've read the manga and watched the anime you'll know there are slight differences in the story lines so when I write these I may pull from one or the other, or both that's why I won't list the chapter they come fromWhen I feel inspired by something in Inuyasha and want to make up my own dialog, you'll be brought along for the experience :)





	1. You Smell Nice...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is based on a small scene from the episode when they learn of the human Inuyasha. They have just escaped from the Spider Demon and are resting in a small room.
> 
> I just loved that scene :)

As I stare down at this young man... Myoga did what he could, sucking out as much poison as possible but will it be enough to save the human Inuyasha? He and the others are asleep now, tired from the ordeal of dealing with the spider demon but as for me, I just couldn't... I was too, worried. And now as Inuyasha lays here in front of me, the poisons are wracking his body, shudders and gritted teeth when pains come and go... I feel a pang in my chest. 

It kills me that I am partially to blame, had I known of his vulnerability I would have never made him come here in the first place. Especially once I knew he was human, why'd I send him after my stupid backpack! To be fair, he's the one that hid that side but I understand the reason. Showing weakness in his world can get you killed and what little I have learned of Inuyasha's life, it seems as if love, and affection from people, especially humans never really existed for him. The world can be so cruel sometimes...

~

The pain racking my body is torture, I hate when I'm stuck in this human state and must suffer their frailties... And that idiot, why'd I listen to her, why do I keep following her around? Am I going crazy? But even when I try to tell myself to leave her be, my heart still pulls me to her side. I used to hate humans, most are so cruel to me, no different than the other demons in this world, but she wasn't like them. Kagome never saw me as a monster, so dare I say it... she sees me as a friend?

She did risk her own life to save me. This human, even though she is weak, and it's so often me having to save her... her courage and inner strength still astounds me. Kikyo was tough too, and she cared about the people of her village, but this girl is special. Although they look alike, Kagome is stronger... Following me into battles despite the danger, Kikyo would never have done that. Even when she's scared, Kagome still pushes on. Is she crazy too? My kind of crazy?

~

He was usually so guarded, so immature, and an irritable person. But seeing him this way, so defenseless, fighting through a painful sleep. I try to wipe the perspiration from his forehead, please Inuyasha fight the poison; I don't want to lose you...

Oh no I woke him up. As his eyes opened it startled me a little because they were different, they were softer than his usual glares. It's a little captivating... Why were you crying, he asks me? Huh? I looked down a little embarrassed, Because I thought you were going to die was all I could say. So yes, I cried for you. It was the truth, I didn't want to see him killed because he is my friend. There may be more to the reason but nothing I can admit to myself just yet.

~

Something touched my forehead and I look to see, it was her so I ask the question that has been plaguing me... I stare up into her eyes for a moment pondering the answer she gave before closing mine and surrendering to her soothing energy. Does she care that much about me? This young girl who barely knows me... Although maybe that is a good thing. She doesn't judge me based on my past but only on what I show her now. I know I could be nicer to her, I should be nicer to her, but I think I act the way that I do because I don't want to let her know what I'm really thinking every time I look at her. I feel all mixed up inside, more so now that she's seen my vulnerable side. I want to push her away but I just can't do it, instead, my heart wants to have her closer... So, I ask to lay my head down...

~

As he rests with his head on my lap looking so peaceful I couldn't help but feel a jumble of emotions. You flit back and forth, being nice, being cruel, I don't get it. Why do you react the way you do to me? But... I want to comfort him as best as I know how because no matter what, I do care; and that's when you really shocked me. Your scent is nice he whispered... What? I thought you hated my scent I reply.

It was a lie...

As he turned his head closer to my body my heart started to beat faster. What did he mean it was a lie? And now, why is my heart racing? Now I'm lying to myself; I know why. No one's every made me feel like this before... But it's Inuyasha we're taking about! I can't have feelings for this man child! _Sigh_...

~~~

I can't believe I admitted about liking her smell... Did I reveal that because of my delirious state? But isn't it because of _her_? Because she smells like _her_? I don't want to compare her to Kikyo. They may look similar, and she may even be the reincarnation but they have many differences too. So, do I like her smell because it's her... Does it mean I might like Kagome? Or am I still holding onto Kikyo? I'm so confused... You know what, I don't care because I like being here in this moment, so at ease with her... A peace, not even Kikyo ever brought to me...

I need to live... to protect Kagome.


	2. A Second Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Return of Kikyo

I lost her a second time, why are the Gods so cruel to me?!  All those years, the fact she sealed me away... and yet these feelings still lingered?  Or do they...  When I saw her, yes, I do still love her but…  I had asked her to give Kagome back her soul, even though deep down I knew that meant I’d lose her again, so what made me say it?  Wouldn’t I want her to stay here with me?  I do, but not as a demon or someone that is undead, she deserves peace…   

After we got Kagome back, and my confession about her sister, Kaede pulled me aside and said something to me.  Inuyasha, she gripped my shoulder, if you truly loved my sister, you must let her go, let the past be the past... but life gave you a second chance and sent you Kagome.  Don't screw up a second time! _Tch_ , damn old woman.  But I smile in my head.  I won’t admit it to anyone but on some level, I do care about Kagome…

~~~

They told me about his confession.  So, I was right, he does love _her_.  That means the way he looks at me sometimes, he's just doing it because I look like _her_.  And the comment about the smell, it’s because I smell like her too.  That's it, no more to the story, it's not me he wants... it's _her_.  I should feel relieved but why do I feel a twinge in my heart…

Now he’s staring off again, is he thinking about her?  Sigh, I wish I knew what was really going on in his head…

~~~

Ugh, I had another nightmare again…  Woke myself up this time it was so painful but I just can’t stop thinking, we both thought we had betrayed the other, but I know it wasn’t true, I could never have hurt her!  I know Kagome noticed it this time.  She stayed there pretending to be asleep but for a split second I saw her eyes open… and were there tears?  Couldn’t be, I mean why would she be crying when nothing was happening?  So, I just turned over and tried to go back to sleep…

~~~

I think Inuyasha’s been having nightmares ever since that day…  He said he never betrayed her, but with so much anger in her soul it has to come from somewhere, could he be lying?  Something in my heart tells me he’s telling the truth.  But do his nightmares mean he feels guilty for what happened?  No, they don’t seem like those kind of dreams, by the way he twists and mumbles in his sleep it’s more tortured.  Maybe he feels guilty for her death but not because he is the cause of it but that he couldn’t prevent it.  Shit, he saw me looking at him, I didn’t even realize I had started to tear up.  Why was I crying, was I crying for him or maybe even her?  To lose someone you cared about twice must be heart wrenching…  I know how I feel when I think he’s going to die…  

~~~

It was tears in her eyes, I can smell it from her.  But why is she crying again and staring at me?  I snuck another peak but she had turned over so I could no longer see her face.  Sigh, I don’t understand why but I think it was because of me again.  Or maybe it’s because she did almost die when Kikyo took her soul.  But how did she get it back?  It seemed as if when I was about to lose my life, Kagome came back to hers…  Did she do that for me?  For a split second, I was willing to give my life if it would calm Kikyo’s spirit but no, deep in my heart I don’t know if I’d want to give up Kagome either.  Maybe that’s why I told Kikyo to give Kagome back her soul.  Kikyo’s life shouldn’t have ended when it did but it’s too late to change the past, and Kagome…  Kagome deserves to live.

~~~

I don’t quite remember everything that happened after my soul was taken until I woke up again.  There are fragments of I think memories, thoughts, visions, I’m not sure.  They said that just as Inuyasha was about to be killed by Kikyo I came back to life and took my soul back from her.  But what triggered that?  Either I don’t remember doing it or something caused it to happen.  I’m supposed to have some powers like a miko, like Kikyo did; is that where it came from?  Or was it because on some unconscious level I sensed that he was about to die and I didn’t want that to happen?

Ugh, but why do I care!  Damn it, it’s not like he cares about me anyways right?  We’ve already established that he loves her…  He went after her instead of checking on me first, that has meaning, doesn’t it?  But then again, he did admit he asked her to give me back the rest of my soul…  Did he know that she would die again if she did?  Sigh, Inuyasha I really wish I knew what was in your heart…


	3. Choose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conflict brews in the hearts of our two stars...

Ugh!  I can’t believe I was so worried about him to come back here!  It’s not like he came for me…  But he did save me once he knew I had returned.  Tch, So, what?!  I feel like a complete idiot.  And then that bitch made me watch that exchange with Inuyasha and her.  What did she think she’d get out of it?  Was it because of jealousy?  Did she see my feelings for him when she touched me and rendered me immobile?  Okay, yes it made me mad, and so sad at the same time…    

Yet no matter how I felt because of that kiss…  I couldn’t let her take him to hell with her.  Again somehow, just as she was about to kill him, I was able to weaken her.  How am I doing that?  Is it somehow tied to my feelings for him?  It was strong enough to wake him up, I mean somehow, he heard me… and rushed over to free me…

Sigh, what does it all mean?  Ugh!  I’m more confused than ever!  Damn rock!  Whew, face planting wouldn’t have been very pretty.

~~~

I don’t understand why Kagome is so upset with me.  What does she mean she saw everything start to finish?  What start?  What finish?  Exhale, this is probably the most angry I’ve ever seen her get…  She told me to leave her alone for a while but I can’t just let her walk away, there are dangers out here and I need to make sure she’s okay.

~~~

I think, I’m just gonna go home… Yeah, I need to think about a few things, no, a lot of things.  My head is so mixed up right now and it’s all because of him!  Maybe he’s right, I don’t belong here.  Back home I’m just an ordinary 9th grader and I want to get into high school.  How am I supposed to do that romping around in the feudal era chasing after a boy who doesn’t even share my feelings… 

Damn it, I forgot all my stuff…

~~~

We watched her from a distance, I don’t know if she knew we were following her but after she jumped into the well the other two started in on me.  Miroku badgered me into telling him what happened, what usually happens in those situations…  Of course, he yelled at me that I did that in front of Kagome, but I didn’t know she was there!!!  Though, it did help me realize why Kagome was so upset with me.  She saw everything start to finish she had said…  Which means she saw me and Kikyo, what I said to Kikyo, and that I kissed her...  Would I have done it if I knew she was watching?  I think I would have hesitated…  But there’s also a portion I don’t remember, after that kiss, the next thing I know I’m waking up to Kagome’s voice and that’s when I broke away to help her with no hesitation.  Kikyo questioned if that girl is more dear to me and I blushed at that thought…

She saw the answer.

Isn’t Kagome more precious, Shippo questioned me.  I didn’t answer because I don’t know the answer…  Choose, they both yelled at me, I need to choose between Kikyo and Kagome.  After thinking about it, my heart answered truthfully; But why can’t I choose both? 

Too bad for me I didn’t know Kagome was still in the well and yeah, it’s pretty obvious by the force of her next move that she didn’t like that answer.  But doesn’t that mean I like her too?  Doesn’t that tell her something?  I don’t want to have to decide between them…

~~~

Choose both of us!  I-I can’t believe he said that.  No, how can I be shocked?  That man is so dense that he’d think it was okay.  I don’t want to share him with her and something tells me she wouldn’t want to share him with me.  Wait!  What am I even saying?!  I’m not going to entertain the idea of being shared…  and that Miyoku, it’s sometimes like that with men.  Tch, not all men are like that right?   

Besides... I know she'd never let him go, I felt that much from her.  Woman to woman, she'd more likely get rid of her rival and what then?  I don't think I'm a true match for her, as a demon her powers far exceed mine and if she tried to kill me would he save me?  If he had to decide in that moment, who would he choose?  Should I stick around for the answer? 


	4. Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After helping a gentle Hanyo named Jinenji, Inuyasha finally opens up a little to Kagome about his past

As soon as we encountered the villagers of course they immediately think badly of me but without hesitation Kagome stepped beside me to fight on my behalf. I resist the urge to fight them, I hate being looked down upon, and I certainly don’t care for a girl having to fight my battles for me; especially this one. But I remain expressionless in that regard, rather travelling back into my own thoughts of her. I sometimes wonder but dare not ask, when she looks at me, when she saw me for the first time why wasn’t she scared like any other human? Bugs scare her! But not demons? I know it’s not something she encountered before falling into our world, so she couldn’t have developed a tolerance so easily right? Or could she have?

~~~

We headed into the village, Inuyasha leading the way and low and behold a giant creature with large blue eyes stood in the field. But I don’t sense malice from him, could the villagers be wrong about him? Inuyasha had drawn Tetsusaiga ready for the battle that never came…

~~~

I don’t want to admit it but as a kindred Hanyo, I feel a little bad for this creature. Humans can be so cruel, so quick to judge. Just because we are demons they automatically think we must be evil. But this thing, I smell no blood and if he had just killed a woman there should be something. Stones. I stand there dumbstruck as this demon cried for his mother! And there Kagome goes again, standing up for another demon. Keh, excuse me?! If they hurt her I’ll terrorize the village?! Okay, yes, I would. Fine, I’ll stop the real killer for them just to make her happy.

~~~

Jinenji is such a gentle soul how can they not realize he’d never hurt anyone! I can see how the way he looks or his massive size doesn’t help, it’s not like he can easily hide away. But my god, look at all the marks on his body, how much pain and suffering have those villagers caused to him?! I wonder if this treatment is something Inuyasha experienced? Oh, I’m sure he wouldn’t have ran away but instead fought back. But still to see it happen right in front of me to another half-demon, I feel like I’m also learning about another chapter to Inuyasha’s life that will help me to understand him. If I had been shunned by everyone till now, what kind of person would I have become? Would I be more guarded, more temperamental?

~~~

After the battle with the killer demon. I watched her with Jinenji, and it was amazing the effect she had on him, it’s like her very presence became soothing for this giant creature. I may not have had the easiest life, being bullied for much of it, spat at and targeted by humans or demons alike, but even I can’t imagine what his life must have been like; at least I look somewhat human. The way he looks at her, is that how I look when I think she’s not watching me? It’s like a mixture of happiness, and maybe even a little bit of longing… As if he’d have a chance with her, Tch, as if I’d let that happen…

I’m glad he had found the courage to stand up to that demon but he still couldn’t bring it upon himself to punish those damn villagers that caused him so much pain! That was my method, show your power, show your strength and through fear and intimidation you will gain respect or at least they’ll leave you alone… Yet those villagers, once they saw that he was in deed a gentle creature, no longer feared him but they somewhat embraced him. He was surrounded by them now, working the fields, helping to rebuild the home they had destroyed. Was my way really the right way? It was the only way I knew but it left me so lonely.

~~~

He’s thinking about something again. I can see it in his face, I can almost sense it, but too bad I can’t hear what’s going on in that head of his! And to my surprise and delight, that’s when he opened-up to me…

~~~

I’m not alone anymore… she had said with a smile before walking away. So, I stood there just watching her, not alone? I pondered those words… Not alone. She was right. For the first time it finally hit me, I could lose everything, I could even lose the new friends I’ve made but I would never be alone again because yeah…

Kagome would be by my side.

~~~

I was so happy that Inuyasha finally confided something to me! I had been waiting for this moment, when he’d finally feel comfortable enough to let me in, even if just a tiny bit, that one action I hope will not be the last but the first crack in that wall he created within himself. That tough-man façade that I know is really just an act but still, I’m finally starting to reach into his heart…

~~~

I smile at the thought. Here I was thinking that after so much loss I’d never be able to open my heart again and yet she had somehow managed to do it. She pierced me not with an arrow but with her beautiful soul…


	5. Don't Ask!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the Illusion spell when Kikyo shoots at Kagome with an arrow, steals the Shikon fragment, and leaves the girl vulnerable to the death spell...

_If I tell you that I tried to kill her, what will you do then?_   I pause unable to register what Kikyo was saying.  What the hell did she mean by that?  Had she tried to kill Kagome?  The way Kagome trembled at the sight of Kikyo, something must have happened before I arrived but when I tried to ask her about it she snapped at me…  _Don’t Ask!_   I look down at the girl beside me, what do I do?

~~~

H-how am I supposed to tell him what she did to me?  After all, she practically told him she had tried to kill me and yet he just stood there silent.  And then she laughed, maniacally and I knew it was at my expense; the answer was heart breakingly clear.  Would he have stopped her?  I fight back the tears that so desperately wish to burst forward. 

Now he has the audacity to ask me what happened?  She told you damn it!  Look at me, do I look like nothing happened!  Isn’t it obvious that your damn girlfriend tried to kill me!  Are you too dense and stupid to figure it out?!  Well of course he is.  He wasn’t even angry that the Shikon fragment was stolen, why because it was her that took it?  Any other person or demon and he would have been furious but not this time…  No, he’s covering for her, so, I, I snapped… _Don’t Ask!_

~~~

 _Kagome?_   I just stare at her.  Why won’t she just tell me what happened!?  Should I push for the answer?  But I don’t want to upset her further.  Something is bothering her and now she won’t even look at me.  Damn it, I don’t know what to say…  I don’t know how to handle this!

~~~

My jewel is gone…  Taken by her.  Inuyasha isn’t upset…  Is he protecting her?  He must be.  Why else wouldn’t he be mad?  I wish I could go home…  But I can’t without the jewel and now I’m stuck here?  I don’t want to look at him right now because all I picture is his blank stare and the memory of her laughing, laughing at me.  I know it was at me.  She knows that if it comes between a choice of me or her…  _Sigh_ , he just might choose her. 

I should be angrier, shouldn’t I?  At both of them, but why am I not?  I’m sadder than anything else.  I can’t even talk about it to anyone, especially him…  _Sigh_ , this is the loneliest, I’ve felt in a long, long time…

~~~

I keep looking at her from my peripheral vision.  She still won’t look at me, and while she hasn’t said anything about me walking next to her, I get the sense that she preferred I didn’t right now…  But why???  Kagome’s been upset since last night…  _My jewel fragments were taken..._   She finally spoke!  That is why she’s upset!  _Don’t worry,_ I tell her, we’ll collect more…  I was trying to cheer her up but she just goes quiet again, staring at the ground.  Wait what!  They all think I’m covering for Kikyo!  So, I turn to Kagome, _do you think…_   Jaw drop…  as she moves away from me.  She does think so!  I’m not covering for Kikyo!

~~~

Seriously, this idiot thinks that’s why I’m so upset!  And he denies protecting her but there is no other explanation I can think of…  Maybe he just can’t admit it, not even to himself…  I hope it doesn’t come to him having to make a choice because, I’m, afraid of the answer……   


	6. Love Rivals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kagome is kidnapped by the Wolf Yokai Koga and Inuyasha is not happy with confessions from the heart

_‘I’m in love with Kagome…’_   My mind barely registered Koga’s words before the anger boiled up inside me and all I could see was red.  What the hell!!  How could he fall in love with her so quickly, they just met!  Unless something happened while she was with him…  No, No, No, not her, not m-m-my Kagome, she wouldn’t do anything right?  With another g-guy…  But then again, should I be surprised that Koga would fall for her so quickly?  A lot of the men seem drawn to her…  Am I growling, yes, I am!  Fuck that!  He’s not good enough for her, no one else is!  No one but me!  I’m gonna kill him for even thinking about her like that!

~~~

K-Koga’s in love with me!  Damn it, I am not his woman!  I am sort of, kinda taken…  at least in my own mind that is, maybe not in _his_.  I feel a heat building over my face…  Though it is kinda nice to be told such things especially since the one I want doesn’t… Damn, did I blush?  Did anyone see that?!  Well for someone who wants me in that way…  And he’s not that bad looking either…  The flash of his blue eyes…  and that confident smile…

~~~

I glanced back at Kagome as she watched the battle of words between Koga and I, and she was, she was almost…  H-her face is…  Son of a!  Is she taken by his sweet talk!  Oh, Hell No this is not happening!  Not!  Happening!  There’s no controlling the growl emanating from me.   I’m going to fucking kill him!     

~~~~~~~

The battle with the birds is over but…  Now Koga’s injured and Inuyasha wants to continue the fight over me, what do I do??  Koga’s in no condition to fight….  These two bakas!  Think, think, something to do?  The only thing I could think of.  Osuwari!

~~~

I screamed from that prone position.  That bitch!  Why the hell’d she’d stop me for?!  She let them get away, she let Him get away!!  Stupid, stupid wench!  I need to kill that fucking wolf punk now so he’ll leave her the fuck alone!  Unless…  Did she do it because she actually cares about that bastard! 

_Sigh…_

I skulked away from the group to think.  Keh!  Fine!  Maybe I shouldn’t have come to save her, would she have been happier if I didn’t…  All I could think about was her, was she okay, was he hurting her.  We needed to get her back safely…  _Exhale_.  I needed to get her back so we could live happily ever after, I did say that to Miroku didn’t I?  and I think I meant it.  Somewhere inside I meant it…  But she defended him!  She went to his aide, after what he put her through…

Ugh, I can’t get the image of her cradling him out of my head!  Why?!  Why is this bothering me anyways, it’s not like…

~~~

Great now he’s sulking and Miroku them are telling me to talk to him…  Inuyasha had been so worried about me they said…  Was he really?  Why does he care so much when he could just as easily leave for her?  So, what if Koga said what he said, Seriously?  I mean, what gives him the right to act so jealous when he’s the one two timing! 

Wait, shouldn’t I be more upset with Koga for even claiming me like that?  I’m not property that can be owned…  Well I can kinda understand, that’s how it might work in a pack life.  See, I defend him but not Inuyasha’s actions…  Well that’s because, because Koga made up his mind and crazy at it might be at least I’m the only one but _him,_ he can’t make up his damn mind and keeps picking another woman too! 

Damn it, but I can’t stay mad…  _Sigh…_   Because I care too much about him…

~~~

She says she has no interest in him, do I believe her?  I mean, if she didn’t why’d she stop me?  Because he was already injured, Miroku pointed out, and that wouldn’t be a fair fight.  Like I care about fair when it comes to Kagome!  I’ll take down any guy who tries and she needs to realize that!

You really don’t have a right to tell her she can’t choose someone else, Shippo that little runt dares to tell me.  You damn right I do!  No, you don’t, she’s not your woman either, he drove home.  Not mine…  Well she won’t be his either!

~~~

 _Sigh…_   Inuyasha…  Koga…  Kikyo…  Is this what they call a love triangle…  more like a where does it leave me?  In the middle? 


	7. Love Rivals part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just after the battle with Kagura when Inuyasha takes a direct hit from Wind scar

For the love of Kami, that baka is in no condition to be moving around… and for what, her!  Shaking away the desire to be angry I will myself forward and just focus on finding him to make sure he is okay, or I might have to kill him!  We run in the direction we believe he went.  Shippo said he saw the soul collectors… her soul collectors.  Just what they hell did she want, and why the hell did he have to follow?!

~~~

Trudging back up that hill, one painful step at a time with Tetsusaiga acting as my brace…  So many thoughts run through me, so many emotions I can’t even feel at this moment.  And then I look up…  _Kagome_ …  Kagome running towards me.  I fall to my knees just before she reached me and dropped to hers. 

I stare at her briefly…

~~~

Glaring…  Before I say anything, I just, I already know…  Logically I knew the answer and yet I had to voice it, had to hear it aloud.  Yes, he saw her…  and now he can’t even look at me.  Damn him!  I should have known.  My eyes went wide, not just from the answer but his tone.  _It wasn’t a rendezvous…_   the urge to slap him was so bitter strong but I held it back; how, I still don’t know…  He finally confirms for himself that she did give Naraku the jewel and yet he became angry at the implications she was working with him… 

That’s it, if I don’t leave right this second, I will, I will… strike him down!

~~~

Huh?  Where’s Kagome going?  Why is she so upset?  Oww!  Damn it!  What the hell did Miroku have to hit me so hard for?!  I don’t understand, what did I do now?  As I watched her walk away, I didn’t hear everything Miroku and Shippo were saying.  Worried…  Poor Kagome… and that look on Miroku’s face is unnerving. 

I see her stride, I’m not blind…  She’s upset…  angry… furious.  The stomps, the clenched fists…  the tightness in her whole body is painfully evident.  It’s my fault again but I don’t understand…

That’s a lie.  I know why but…  I can’t admit why.

~~~

Stupid fool!  It’s Kikyo’s fault that Naraku is so much stronger than he ever was.  Her fault that he is so badly injured and yet he’s still protecting her!  Why?!  Why?!  Why?!  I want to scream at the top of my lungs.  BAKA!!!  Ugh!  I want to go home.  I want to get away from here but I can’t!  It’s so frustrating!  Why is he still protecting her??  How many times does she have to hurt him before he wakes the fuck up!?

I want to hate him!  I want to hate her!  Damn it, but I still can’t…  my heart won’t let me fill with hate or lest I become like her… How ironic.

But he sure as hell can tend to his own damn injuries tonight!

~~~

Kagome won’t look at me…  She won’t talk directly to me…  _If I could walk then I must be fine_ , she snapped when Sango pointed out I was worse.  I flinched internally, the malice in her tone... It was disheartening.  Miroku wants me to apologize to her.  What am I supposed to say?  Sorry I needed to find out for myself what Kikyo did?  Sorry I needed to know why she still hates me?  Sorry that I believe her when she said she didn’t want me to get hurt?  Or that she wasn’t working with Naraku.  Is it so hard to believe?  _Exhale_ , I know none of them believe me… I don’t even know how much I believe myself but it’s just easier to keep my mouth shut and hold onto hope...

~~~

If I were all alone I would probably be drowning in tears or anger.  So, I keep my focus solely on helping Sango.  She’s still badly injured from taking that hit from her Hiraikotsu, but she’s better and that’s great.  Just focus on her, Kagome, don’t even think about that baka Inuyasha or that witch Kikyo; they aren’t worth it!  They don’t deserve my attention, but the problem is…

I can’t stop thinking about it…

Exactly what is Kikyo’s intentions?  Why did she give Naraku the stone?  Miroku pulled it out of Inuyasha, I guess at the scene after I fled from it.  She said to him don’t die until she could take herself, Naraku, and the stone out of this world for good…  What they hell does that mean?  Does she think she still has the power to stop the stone?  Do I believe her?  No, I don’t completely, she’s given me no reason to trust her… no she’s only shown me the exact opposite.  Wincing from the memory of the arrow striking my cheek.  And isn’t she a demon now, evil rules her heart, how could she purify the stone?  No, maybe it’s more likely she wants the stone for herself to be alive again.  _Sigh,_ I think, I’ll just try, not to think about it right now…

~~~

What did Kikyo mean, I’m only hers?  Does she still love me?  Do I still love her?  My eyes wander towards Kagome without turning my head.  Is it possible to love two people at the same time, even if for different reasons?  I don’t know if it’s love for Kikyo or a feeling of obligation…  Kami, my head hurts, maybe worse than my body right now.      

I hope Kagome won’t stay mad at me for too long, she usually doesn’t…  I don’t want her to be mad at me…  I hate it when she’s mad at me.  Because the truth is, I miss having her close…


	8. An Unsettling Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tetsusaiga is broken and it's New Moon tonight...

What was Kagome thinking back when we were fighting Goshinki?  She may have been trying to get to me but he could have killed her.  That’s the problem, she doesn’t think, she reacted to the sight of my body on the ground.  But is she crazy?!  If I couldn’t fight him, what made her think she stood a chance getting so close?  Why must she put herself in harm’s way time and time again?  Why does she feel almost a instinctual need to protect me?  _Sigh_ , it’s times like that when I value the abilities of my Yokai…

And that’s why…

I really don’t like the New Moon.  Once a month when I lose my strengths, my senses, I feel so uneasy.  Weak and pathetic, a plain old human boy.  It used to be on this night I’d hide away somewhere all alone, by myself, with only my own life to worry about but now…  Now it’s not so easy.  Well maybe easy is the wrong word, it was never easy.  It’s just that I have them to worry about, _her_ to protect…

If only I were a full Yokai I wouldn’t have to worry so much.  I wouldn’t change into a human once a month.  I’d be stronger, strong enough to take care of all of them, right?  But right now, _I don’t even know if I could protect myself let alone the life of a single girl…_

~~~

I wonder what he’s thinking about again as he stares at the sky?  I look up myself wishing that the answers would somehow descend upon me like a falling star.  This night is such a difficult one for him…  I know he hates it.  So sad, and on a beautiful night like this one.  No clouds, just millions upon millions of flickering lights even brighter without the glow of the moon.  For me it’s one of the more endearing qualities of this time.  For him only a source of dread.

I remember that first night when his secret was revealed to me… as his white hair faded to black, his eyes from gold to brown, and his ears became human ones.  I was a little surprised at first though it didn’t bother me very much because Inuyasha was Inuyasha no matter what he looked like; human, Hanyo, I didn’t care.  But he does.  I just wish I could make him realize that while it can be a scary time, at least he’s not alone in this anymore.  We are here for him, I am here for him...

~~~

Here she comes… of course, I know she worries about me.  As much as we bicker…  I worry about her and she quietly agonizes over me.  But it shouldn’t have to be like this.  I should be able to protect her all the time, I want to shelter her from all the things that go bump in the night, there shouldn’t be any moment when Kagome must safeguard me.   

And yet here I find myself in that situation again.  Trouble loves to find us on these moonless nights, remember the Spider-head demon?  I have no fangs, no claws, and worst of all is my sword is not at my side.  Even though I couldn’t transform Tetsusaiga in this state, any weapon would still come in handy if someone were to attack.  Damn it to hell, I can’t hear an attacker coming, smell or see the danger lurking in the dark… 

~~~

Whether he likes it or not I will stay by his side, especially now.  I-I, couldn’t live with myself if I don’t try to protect him.  Even if he’ll never be mine in the end, I’ll still do it for his sake. 

Of course, he scoffed when I told him to stay close by us tonight.  Such a proud Hanyo, Inuyasha is, stubborn and foolish as ever, then again so many of the guys are.  _Even I have things to think about sometimes…_   he said to me.  Yeah, I’m sure you do… like _her_ …  _Sigh_ …  Stop it Kagome, don’t do that to yourself!  I take a second to look down to hide my eyes, willing away the moisture that tries to gather when I think of _that_.  Thank Kami he doesn’t have his sense of smell right now, cause, I know he’d smell the salt.

~~~

Ugh!  I feel so weak and useless right now!  So bitter about being human…  _Exhale_ , well maybe it’s not the being human part so much as that nagging anxiety that always eats away at me this night of dark nights.  Totosai better hurry up with that sword!  _Sigh_ , the treasure I didn’t want at first…  Remember that day at Otou-sans resting place.

The first shock is how she stood up for me against my brother, no fears for a moment, again, just her instinct to protect…  Second surprise when Kagome pulled that sword out.  Neither my brother nor I could comprehend that this human girl could do what we couldn’t.  Miyoga said it was probably because she was human that the sword chose to release itself from its resting place. 

Wasn’t that also the second time I thought she had died, when that bastard brother of mine tried to melt her; but luckily the sword saved her life.  It was the day I made that promise to protect her and transformed Tetsusaiga for the first time.  I plan to keep that promise.  Even if it kills me…

~~~

It’s nice sometimes, when it’s quiet, nothing’s going on.  I must resist the desire to lean against him.  I haven’t completely forgiven him yet for seeing her…  Sango and the others are right nearby but on this hill face, it’s just the two of us.   _Sigh_ …  If neither of us speaks a word for a while that’s just fine with me.  I’d like to savor these kind of moments, burn them, etch them into my memories so I’ll never forget.

 _Sigh_ … But I just feel like it’s about to end, the tranquility under the stars is a dream I’m sure I’ll wake up from soon.  Things are getting more difficult…  Naraku… Sesshomaru…  New enemies… Stronger demons…  This foreboding feeling, I can’t shake it… and _Her_ …

~~~

Something is about to happen…  Even with my diminished perception I can still feel something in the air.  _Kagome_ …  just stay by my side please… 


	9. Beyond My Reach... Or Is He?

_Inuyasha…_   Watching him sitting by himself again…  What happened in that village?  I thought he was de… no, no No!  I don’t want to even think about it.  But is that why he changed?  My heart almost stopped when it happened, like all the breath in me suddenly vanished.  Inuyasha… he was so evil, his features…  _Exhale_ , his eyes…  and Worst of all his heart.  That’s just it, I couldn’t sense it, no I could but it was different, it wasn’t _our_ Inuyasha anymore.  I don’t know what was scarier…

~~~

I remember, I was about to die…  and then suddenly it was like a heat or something surged through me.  All the pain, all the anger, all the frustration and trepidation was gone… and all that was left was happiness??  It was like pure bliss wrapped itself around me at the thought of killing Goshinki that there was no hesitation.  It was so easy to slice him into pieces, felt so good to feel the blood surging in my body, but, I wanted more…  I wanted to kill and then I saw her staring at me.  No!  Kagome came towards me and I wanted to hurt her.  It took any semblance of humanity left in me to tell her stay away…

And yet she didn’t…  Her face, it was so calm…

~~~

I was beyond frightened, there are no words to describe it.  But as scared as I was at the demon that stood before me, of the creature whose look of satisfaction after killing made me want to run in the opposite direction….

I couldn’t do it. 

Inuyasha needed me...  Everyone screamed for me to stop but somehow, I managed to stay calm as I walked towards him.  He growled, he snarled stay away!  Did he realize what he might do if I came closer?  If he did that means he’s still in there!  My Inuyasha, I know he can hear me!  His heart is still within my reach!  

I stilled my very soul with the only thought running through my head…  I must stop him, I must save him from himself because I cannot lose him…

~~~

The next thing I knew I was lying prone on the ground and when I sat up she threw herself on me.  _Kagome._   She was unharmed, thank god.  Scared, yes.  Crying, which I hate to see.  But okay and that’s all that matters to me.

And now here we are again on the night of the New Moon.  Maybe that’s a good thing, I don’t know but I hate these feelings of vulnerability.  Being a demon makes me stronger, right?  Look what I could do with those powers….  Damn, I won’t admit it but I know I’m kidding myself.  When my demon half took over I could have killed h… them.   

~~~

He could see it in my pained expression, but I knew he didn’t want to admit it openly.  Showing that he cares is just not how he treats me most of the time.  _Sigh_.  So, I told him how I felt anyways at that moment, how I was scared but that wasn’t what truly frightened me.  No, it was that his heart felt so distant, no longer within my reach and that terrified me, utterly terrified me, and more so it almost, just almost seemed like he would forget who we were…  It makes my heart ache at the mere thought and brought a profound fear that I don’t know if I can shake so easily.

He did look surprised after I acknowledged my fear.  Did he not realize how bad it looked?  It looked like it bothered him that I thought he would forget me considering he became defensive.  Typical Inuyasha, letting his pride get in the way but that just tells me I did reach him.   

 _Sigh,_ will this happen again?  Will I be able to stop him if it does?  Please give me the strength to keep his heart within our reach…

~~~

What!  No, I can’t believe I would ever forget Kagome, how could I?  It just doesn’t seem possible…  I mean I would have to lose my mind and my soul…  My soul…  The demon half of me is so much stronger than I had ever imagined it would be, it almost frightens me too.  That I was so easily controlled by it.  _Sigh_ , I had no control over my actions.  I wanted to stop Goshinki but it felt like I had sold my soul to accomplish it and that’s not the demon I wanted to become…


	10. Live Inuyasha!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kagome makes her choice...

_‘Why did I have to choose that moment…  and see something I really didn’t want to see again.  Even though in my heart I knew…  Him and her, her and him in an embrace…’_

_~~~_

_‘Kagome…  How much did she see this time?  By the look on her face, too much.  And yet I cannot turn away…  I don’t know what to do…’_

_~~~_

_‘So, I did the only thing I could do.  Run away, run home to my world.  What else am I supposed to do, but why am I running?  Why does this hurt so much?  Ugh this pain… is this heartbreak?  I don’t know what to do…’_

_~~~_

_‘I’m sorry Kagome…’_

_~~~_

_‘I get it okay, I get that they cared for each other, maybe even l-lo-lo… I can’t say it.  I don’t want to admit it!  I’ll let the tears fall in the sanctity of my bedroom.  She sacrificed herself for him, I can’t compete with her for his affections…  He’s not coming is he…  Not anymore.”_

_~~~_

_‘I could see the pain in her face and it killed me inside.  I feel torn, do I choose Kikyo or do I choose Kagome?  She probably won’t wanna come back now and I, I can’t force her to.  Miroku pointed out that it would be too hurtful and for once I agree with that lecher, if anyone has an insight into matters of the heart its him, in some perverted fashion, but still…  A part of me wishes she would…’_

_~~~_

_‘Gah!  Inuyasha why do still choose her?  I don’t understand!  She wants you to die with her, but you deserve to live!  Why can’t you see that?!  Sigh, I really have fallen in love with that idiot!  Does that make me the idiot too?  Sigh.  As much as it pains me…  I need him.  I feel lost without him…’_

_~~~_

_‘…I feel a little empty without her presence…  I miss her, Kagome.  But I have an obligation to Kikyo, if not one spoken, I meant it when I said it.  If dying would bring her heart peace and that is my fate, then so be it; I will sacrifice my life for her…  And yet, what about Kagome?  Ugh, I hate these feelings!  Why does this tear me up so much!  Kaede thinks I’m crazy for picking her sister and that’s her sister.  Damn Miroku and Sango for bringing Koga up again…  Sigh but they are right.  I hate the thought of Kagome with anyone else, but I have chosen Kikyo and must break this off with Kagome… for both our sakes.’_

_~~~_

_‘My mom’s words brought a sense of peace to this complicated situation.  Follow my heart… and my heart is telling me to go to him.  Even the jewel pieces glowed when I stood in front of the Goshinboku, is it trying to tell me something?  Why did I have to meet him?!  When did I fall in love with him?  Sigh.  I know what I must do.  It won’t be easy.  It will probably cause me even greater pain, but I can’t lose him now…  Inuyasha.’_

_~~~_

_‘Kagome!  She came back, she said she understands, and I believe her that she wants to be with me.  But why?  Why put herself through the pain?  And I, I couldn’t refuse her.  I should have done the merciful thing and told her to go back to her time and, yet I couldn’t do it.  The moment she asked if she could be with me…  I couldn’t say no because in my heart I want her to stay.  She makes me feel better.  I never truly trusted anyone before her.  I…  I need her.’_

_~~~_

_‘I can’t compete with Kikyo…  I won’t compete with her because I am me.  I will follow my heart and help him to see his fate is not to die…  But to Live!’_


	11. Within My Reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inuyasha's battle... with himself

_‘Gah!  It happened again…  No matter how many times I try to wash it away I can smell the human blood on me…  On my hands…  I killed those bandits, the others said they were begging for mercy and I could give them none, I couldn’t even control myself.  This isn’t what I wanted!  If this is what being a yokai will be like, then I don’t want it anymore!_

_It pains me to admit it but thank goodness, my brother stopped me…  I’m almost glad I don’t remember what happened while I was in that state because…  I don’t wanna know what Kagome’s face looked like as she watched it all happen.  Whether disgust or sadness, I don’t wanna know…’_

_~~~_

_‘Watching him at the river’s edge trying desperately to wash away the blood, it’s killing me to see him suffer…  He’s trying to hide the pain but it’s obvious, every time he stares at his hands, it’s painfully obvious…  None of this is his fault!  He didn’t choose to be born this way and I can see, no I can feel the pain racking his heart at what he did.  Worse than that, I know he fears…  he fears hurting us…  hurting me…  He tries to act tough, and reverts to pushing me away but I refuse to walk away when he needs me the most.  I don’t fear him, I fear losing him…’_

_~~~_

_‘She doesn’t care about what I did, she wants to be near me despite it all.  Sigh, Kagome…  When her arms wrapped around me I felt it…  This girl cares so much about me, and I her.  After everything I put her through…  I’m so damn lucky to have her.  But these claws…  if I transform again I may not be able to stop myself… and the thought of her hurting her…  I must find a way…’_

_~~~xx~~~_

_‘So Miyoga said if I can beat Ryuukossei I will grow stronger and Tetsusaiga will be easier for me to wield…  Well if that is what I must do then bring it on!  I need to do everything in my power to keep from transforming…  To keep Kagome safe!’_

_~~~_

_‘That’s Ryuukossei!  How is Inuyasha supposed to beat that yokai!  Tetsusaiga is too cumbersome for him to use and without it, how does he stand a chance?  Damn it Miyoga!  Damn it Toutousai if he dies I swear I will purify them both!  And that fool, why didn’t he tell me where he was going, what he intended to do.  Argh, why must he always be so reckless!_

_And why didn’t Toutousai tell Inuyasha about the backlash wave sooner!  Sometimes that old man is so insufferable.  I understand that Inuyasha must learn things for himself but seriously?!  Even if he wouldn’t teach it to him, he could have at least mentioned it’s existence!’_

_~~_

_‘Shit, I lost Tetsusaiga!’_

_~~~_

_‘Oh no!  He lost Tetsusaiga!  He’s starting to transform…  I scream his name as the others begin to worry…’_

_~~~_

_‘I’m transforming…  No!  I need to concentrate…  I must get Tetsusaiga…  I must take back control…’_

_~~~_

_‘We need to run, they tell me, we aren’t safe.  Tch, as if I’d leave Inuyasha.  I called out to his name hoping he will hear me.  I’ll never leave him alone even if it costs my life!  I keep calling out.  I can still feel his heart, it’s faint but it’s there…  And I think he hears me…’_

_~~~_

_‘Kagome…  I hear her voice…  Tetsusaiga, I just, need to get it back…’_

_~~~_

_‘I knew it!  He did hear me!  His heart is still within my reach!  That’s it Inuyasha you can do it!  Watching him go for the sword I know, he’s fighting back, he’s fighting his demon and, he’s winning!  As he transforms back to normal I know he’s come back to us.  Did he just…_

_Wow, I can’t believe it, he’s figured out the backlash wave!  He did it!  Inuyasha did it!  Sigh…  That man never ceases to amaze me…  No wonder I fell so easily for him…  I smiled.  Look at him standing so cocky with his sword, my fluffy white knight in a red robe…_

_~~~_

_‘Kagome… she looked so happy to see me that my heart leapt, and it truly added to my boost of confidence.  Exhale.  I do love seeing her smile…’_


	12. I'm Not Leaving You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the battle with Tsubaki

“Please Run…  Inu…Ya…Sha…”

 

 _‘Kagome?  Keh, As if I’d run!  I’m not leaving her!...’_   “I’m not leaving you!”

 

_~~~xx~~~_

_‘She’s so tired…  I bet she’s in more pain then she is letting on too.  This is partially my fault that she was hurt again…  Sigh, it always ties back to me…  Naraku wanted to see me in pain and used Tsubaki to curse Kagome, tried to get her to kill me… like Kikyo did.  She had to fight so hard against the curse not to kill me…  The torture on her mind and body…  I’m so sorry Kagome…  I’m sorry you’re stuck with me, I told her.  It’s okay, she said.  It’s by choice…  Her choice, not mine; hers.  And I know she meant it.’_

_~~~_

_‘Now that the battle with Tsubaki is over…  I have time to think.  It’s nice, being carried by him, he’s so warm…  But the energy he is giving off is so… sad.  He apologized for being stuck with him and my response was simple and clear; it’s my choice.  Does that mean he blames himself for my being cursed?  He probably does, and is now brooding over it.  But it’s not his fault, none of this is our fault, just the terrible games of a sinister and jealous hanyo who uses others to do his bidding because he is weak…’_

_~~_

_‘I know she meant what she said…  And it does make me feel good that Kagome wants to be with me…  Sigh, but doesn’t she realize how much it hurts to see her in any pain?  I lost one woman in my life and I don’t want to lose another…  Especially one that is burrowing her way into my very soul.  She is too precious to me…’_

_~~~_

_‘But, why didn’t he run away?  Why risk the arrow striking and killing him again?  Was it his recklessness showing through, could it be bravado, or was it…  Oh, I don’t know, because he really didn’t want to leave my side?  No, I don’t wanna get my hopes up.  I still have lingering doubts that he might be humoring a love stricken girl who came back to him, not he came back to her…  But then again, he was coming to the well, wasn’t he, when he found me sitting there?  No, he was probably just coming back for the jewel shards.  I’ve resigned my heart to take the moments he will give me and nothing more, let fate take its course…’_

_~~~_

_‘Kagome really was a sight to see though, during that battle…  Kaede mentioned Tsubaki was no laughing matter, almost on par with Kikyo in terms of strength and who knew how much more she had gained by siding with demons.  And yet Kagome managed to keep the curse from taking full control over her.  She took down Tsubaki’s barrier with one arrow like it was nothing, one Miroku was powerless against.  Then in the end she sent that witches curse right back into her, just like Kikyo did.  But Kikyo had an advantage, she wasn’t fighting the effect of any spell when she did that.  No, Kagome was battling for her life, and yet she willed her force to her beck and call, giving her the strength she needed.  Sigh, nuzzling the hand she has gripped to his shoulder; this girl really is something special…’_

_~~~_

_‘I could feel his cheek rubbing against my hand, but I dared not peek because they think I am sleeping and I’d rather they believe that for the moment.  What is he doing that for?  Is he showing affection because he thinks I am not awake to notice it?  I remember now his eyes when I had the arrow pointed at him.  They were so serious, so resolute…  Maybe he really was standing his ground, determined not to let some curse stop him.  Maybe he believed in my ability to fight it…  or maybe…  Did he think that if it was his fate to be killed by his woman, whether it be me or Kikyo then he would take it?  It wouldn’t be the first time he’s taken the hit for me either…  Remember Toukajin?’_

_~~~_

_‘I guess she is asleep…  still nuzzling against her hand.  Kagome…  I swear I don’t deserve you…’_


	13. Little hanyo Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inuyasha was looking for a way to strengthen Tetsusaiga and break through Naraku's barriers when he his told of a way...

If Miyoga is right, I can make Tetsusaiga stronger and finally break through Naraku’s defense barrier, but…  not if I must kill a little girl, especially a kindred spirit.  There must be another way, I just need to find it!

~~~

At first, I listened intently as Shiori’s mom recounted the story of her conception.  It was a beautiful tale, of two souls from vastly differing worlds falling in love; so much like Inuyasha’s origins…   I was even more excited when she commented about how hanyo’s can be just as strong as full blooded yokai’s…  Yes!  They can be, I’m practically bouncing in my seat… until I saw that faraway look on Inuyasha’s face; an expression I recognize all too well by now.  Shiori’s life must be hitting so close to home for him, stirring up memories that I can scarcely imagine, and still too painful for him to fully talk about…

~~~

She was shunned like me…  Though at least while my mother was alive, her station in life kept the humans from physically assaulting me, Shiori’s mom couldn’t stop the tormentors from bulling her.  That doesn’t mean I wasn’t immune to the pain, even a young child can sense when no one wants them around.  But after my mom died, it all ended, the protection she offered me disappeared and the running began.  Kami I felt so alone, so scared all the time, and angry because I couldn’t fight back yet… I was too little.  Demons, humans, it didn’t matter where I turned, it was always the same; everyone wanted me dead.  And worse, when enemies of my father discovered my origins, I became a means to avenge their misfortunes…  Maybe I can help this girl, something no one did for me…

~~~

I see him sitting on the cliff, staring out over the vast body of water with even more weight piled on his shoulders than when we arrived on these Western shores.  Stopping Naraku was once his primary focus, gaining the jewel to become a full yokai, and he would do anything to achieve it; killing would have simply been a means to an end…  but now as much as it pains him I am so proud of the man he has become.  We do need to find a way to break through Naraku’s barriers but not at the cost of an innocent life. 

He’s probably still replaying times from his past, seeing images run through his mind that mirror some of Shiori’s experiences.  In her short life, she has felt too much heartache and has yet to see that life as a hanyo is not all bad.  Inuyasha is lucky to have found friends that care about him, and he for them.  Hopefully we can find a way to save her and help this village move on like we did with Jinenji…

~~~

Yes…  I know, I’m not alone anymore.  Kagome…  She is the reason my loneliness has become a distant memory, why I have friends, why I have a purpose, and someone other than myself to protect.  It’s such a comfort to have her near, standing up with me, for me against any one who dares to speak ill of my kind.  Shiori needs that too and it must start with her mother, her first and closest ally in a world still full of hate from all sides.

But first I must get her away from that evil grandfather of hers!

She did it!  Shiori did it!  She broke free of her grandfathers hold on her to save her mom and the village!

~~~

I’m so proud of Inuyasha.  He helped Shiori and she in turn gave him the means to break barriers.  I hope the villagers can see now that not all demons are bad, and that this little girl will be here to protect them in the future.  But most of all I hope that he realizes that he was never alone, there are others out there, Hanyo’s like Shiori and Jinenji that all faced hatred, but it didn’t have to consume them, they could be good inside.  I think the quest for the jewel has changed for Inuyasha, and for the better, thanks in part to a little hanyo girl…


	14. Just Like Kagome?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinenji is visited by a little girl that reminds him of Kagome and after mentioning this to her, she wonders...
> 
> Inspired by Episode 96 (anime)  
> This is gonna be a little different from the normal posts in this book since I wrote because of a theory in my head.

Jinenji said a little girl visited today in search of Sennenso berries and she reminded him of me.I wonder who that little girl could have been?Sweet and brave, a big heart like me.Aww, Jinenji is such a nice hanyo, unlike Inuyasha.How dare that mutt say I have a small heart, he’s the one with the small heart! Okay maybe I didn’t need to sit him so many times but if he just kept his big, stupid mouth shut I would have only done it once!He’s such an Idiot!

Now what was I thinking about, oh right, the little girl…

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Looked like Kagome huh, could it have been…But what would she need those berries for, what yokai was she trying to save?We just saw Sesshomaru and he looked just fine, unless Jaken…Nah, would Sessh have let that little girl go into that ravine, it’d be too dangerous, or maybe he didn’t know, probably didn’t know.Jinenji said she came alone, and I was fighting my brother at the time, so where was Jaken?Gah, figures they’d let an innocent kid go off to a place like that.

I hope she made it out okay…

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Come to think of it, maybe it was Rin, she kind of does look like me when I was younger…and she is quite fearless for a little girl, I can see her not even flinching at seeing Jineni.But I’d hate to think Sesshomaru would let her go off on such a dangerous mission like that…Unless he didn’t know, I mean he was fighting with Inuyasha around the same time.That’s true, I’d rather be positive, and I’m sure she made it out okay.That girl is tough, stronger than I was at that age to not be afraid of all the demons around.

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That bitch sitting me over and over and fucking over!She’s so mean!She doesn’t have a big heart!Well, it might be true, but I’m not gonna admit that she does, and that’s not the point, why’d she get so upset over what I said anyway?All I said was she has a small heart, I didn’t call her mean, I didn’t call her a bitch, I didn’t call her ugly.What the hell is her problem?

And these so-called friends of mine just watched her do it!They didn’t try to help me or stop her, shit they probably thought I deserved it…Gah, the looks on all their faces, they did think I deserved it!

So, what if I maybe, kind of, sort of did, that’s not the point!

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It is a bit uncanny how much Rin looks like a younger version of me…her personality is like mine…Chuckling to myself, these two brothers ended up with a female in their lives that is changing them for the better, I wonder if they realize that?Inuyasha definitely won’t admit it, and as temperamental as he seems to be, he is a lot better than when we first met.Even that brother of his, who still pretends to dislike humans yet to have that little girl by his side, to be so angry with Naraku for what, I believe because of what he did to Rin…The truth is obvious to the rest of us, whether they want to admit it to themselves or not.

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Rin better be okay, I swear that friggin brother of mine needs to take better care of that little girl.So, he brought her back to life, which was surprising to find out, but that prick has no clue how to raise a child, Keh, he can’t even be a good sibling.And leaving her alone with Jaken, the little twerp, what an idiot.When is he gonna learn!It’s his fault she got kidnapped by Naraku the first time!

Okay yeah, now that I picture it, Rin does resemble Kagome, like a child version but I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything.Either way, so what if she does or doesn’t?Chuckling to himself, it would be really crazy if it turned out Rin was like Kagome’s great, great, great, counting on fingers, great, great, great, grandmother!

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After we left Jinenji’s village, I think I saw A-Un and a little girl on top of it in the distance with Sesshomaru flying next to them. I hope that means she made it out the ravine unscathed, oh I’m sure she did…The dog demon cares about her, I know he does…

 

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I don’t remember this part being in the manga, I think it was a filler episode, but regardless, the reason I decided to write a piece on it is because of the comment Jinenji made about Rin being similar to Kagome, and it’s true.If you put the pictures of the characters side by side, Rin looks like a younger version of Kagome, and of course there is personality where the two characters share a strong spirit.That coincidence could just be how they were drawn and means nothing more, but I’d like to think it does have a deeper meaning.In another story that I am still working on, and probably will still be a year from now since it’s a longer epic, there is a part in it where I mention how Inuyasha pointed out something similar; and I wrote that months before watching episode 96 tonight, so it was already on my mind.

That said, something popped in my head that I wanted to say aloud somewhere just because.

Since Kagome’s family history is never really given, other than she belongs to a shrine family of several generations, the fact that her family in the future runs a shrine that is located where Kaede’s village was during the feudal era, it’s plausible that Kagome’s ancestors are in some way related to Kaede or someone else in the village that may at some point taken over the shrine.We might have inferred that being Kikyo’s reincarnation, Kagome could have been a descendant of Kikyo or Kaede’s family but a reincarnation doesn’t have to follow blood lineage and besides, as far as we know neither Kikyo nor Kaede bore any children.

What if?

At the end of this manga, Rin is now living in Kaede’s village under the care of the older miko.Is it possible that Rin could be the real ancestor of the Higurashi family line?Some theorize that time travel will warp and alter the course of history and when Kagome was pulled 500 years in the past, it no doubt, for that theory, should have caused changes to the future, Or maybe Kagome was the reason that she then existed in the future.Mind fuck.Kagome altering the past is the reason she later existed in the future.

Huh?I’ve seen this idea used in at least other animes (Fairytail) where in one episode, team Natsu, due to a book is sent back in time to their younger years.In it, Lucy unwittingly saves the life of her child self who was caught in a runaway carriage, and the flash of her insignia seen by her younger self is what triggered the first desire of the little girl to want to join the guild, which she later does.Also in Kamisama Hajimemashita.

When Kagome went back in time, shattering the Shikon no Tama, triggering events in a way that may not have existed before, as in an alternate universe, could it be that those events that ultimately led to Rin being saved by Sesshomaru and later ending up in Kaede’s village, become the start of the Higurashi family line?And if so, if she had not been thrust back in history to trigger these events, would Kagome’s family not exist in the future?

Sounds crazy but it’s an interesting thought…At least in my head :)


	15. Darkness in our Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the part after Naraku's creation, the infant kidnaps Kagome and tries to tap into the small sliver of darkness in her heart.

Where am I?  I feel like I’m falling but I see no bottom.  That’s right, Naraku’s creation…  It’s so dark in here.  The infant was digging around in my heart, Inuyasha.  Inuyasha picked Kikyo again and it hurt, it hurt so damn bad I wish I could scream!  My heart wants to cry out for mercy, it wants to bleed out dry and wither away, end my suffering.  I just want the pain to stop!  Is that so wrong?  I’m so angry at him.  I’m so jealous of her.  That’s what the infant latched onto.  I couldn’t hide it.  I’m only human after all…

~~~

Fuck!  I’m so stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  It was a fucking trap again to get me out of the way and now they took Kagome.  She was in so much pain too, why am I still so blind to it?!  I’m an idiot whose gonna lose another precious person in my life…  Please don’t die on me, you can’t die on me damn it!  I’m coming Kagome!

~~~

But do I hate him?  Do I hate her?  I’m angry, furious, sad…  Oh, why did I have to fall for him knowing he still had feelings for her?  It hurts so much…  So much…  But my heart can’t let him go…  Will he come for me?  Does he even know I’m in trouble?  I, I just…  He will, won’t he?  He usually does, right? 

It’s okay to feel hurt, I am only human, and all humans feel these emotions.  It doesn’t make us bad people.  But what if he doesn’t come for me?  No, I need to believe he will…  It wants me think he won’t come.  Yes, I am jealous, it’s true, I can’t help it.  But, I-I need to fight these feelings because…  because I still love Inuyasha!

He came for me…

~~~

It’s my fault again…  Please wake up Kagome.  Oh Kami!  This is all my fault that I let her be captured, that there is a sliver of darkness in her heart, it’s all my fault…  Because I can’t let go of Kikyo.  I’m gonna get Kagome killed one day because of my selfishness.  Please wake up!  Please Kami, that I got there in time and she’s not under a spell, weakened because of my foolishness. 

Why won’t she wake up?  She continues to sleep even after we arrived back in Kaede’s village.  They all said she should be okay, that she is probably just tired from the drain on her soul.  Again, all my fault…  Kaede lectured me again about letting go of her sister.  If Koga knew what happened he’d probably beat me for letting Kagome get hurt…  again.  And he’d be right…  I did it again…

She’s finally awake.  Kagome smiled, but I can see the pain still lingering behind her eyes.  They are dull, not bright like they usually are.  I can feel my heart still cracking.  I, I did that to her…

~~~

Yes, it still hurts.  I look at him and think he’ll leave again if he finds out Kikyo is still alive.  He denies it, but I know better, I know him better than he thinks I do…  Do I really accept that?  To be honest, no.  But I must accept it because in the end I love him, I’ll never leave him... 

~~~

That baby had said, as long as I pine for Kikyo, Kagome will always be at risk, there will always be that lurking doubt, that creeping darkness waiting to consume her heart if it gets the chance.  Kagome managed to win the last round but…  If Kikyo is truly gone then she is a bigger threat to Naraku and if I screw up again, Kami I could lose her too…   

I don’t understand how she can fight through the pain she must be enduring just to stay with me.  How is it not breaking her?  She won’t tell me the whole story of what happened in that room but somehow, she broke the spell.  I wish I was as strong as Kagome.  Sigh, she really is special and I could have lost it all...

~~~

He’s watching me like a hawk now, I don’t care, I needed some alone time, even if it’s just a simple walk around the village.  The Goshinboku…  As I run my hands over the scar left by Kikyo’s arrow I can’t help but be transported back to the day this all started.  We couldn’t get along then and now, I can’t bear to be separated from him…  Inuyasha… I’ll just rest my head against this ancient tree for a moment…

~~~

What is she doing?  I know she knows I’m watching her, like hell I’m gonna give Naraku or his minions a chance to steal her again.  She looks like she’s thinking again, she’s been a little distant, but I can’t blame her, can I?  Probably still worried I’m gonna run off again.  Or is she wishing all of this never happened?  Is that why she’s at the Goshinboku, where we met…  Kami I wish it wasn’t like this.  I wish I didn’t have to worry about Kikyo.  I, I do want to move on too…

~~~

In the end, Midoriko wasn’t strong enough to win against the demon and gave birth to the Shikon no Tama.  The jewel passed along through the centuries until falling into the hands of another miko, who wasn’t strong enough to win against a new demon.  Both were formidable miko’s, seemingly more powerful than I am and yet here I find myself thrust into the battle.  It was like a broken record skipping through time that won’t stop.  Exhale, will I be the next to lose my life?  

~~~

Darkness.  I can’t let Kagome’s heart slip into the darkness.  I can’t lose her too.  Not to Naraku and not to that blasted jewel!  No, she’s strong, I know she is, Kagome can beat this thing.  How many times have they tried to corrupt her, each time failing because the light inside her was too powerful…  Could she be stronger than her predecessors?


End file.
